When I went to bed on Sunday night, everything was right in the world. On Monday morning, the future of my marriage disappeared.
I got this text: “I just found your blog. I hate you right now.”
I had told her about it back when it started, but she had never read it. She came across it without even looking for it. She read it.
The side of myself that I freely write about here, is a side of me that she hates. Yes, we “swang,” a little, but the swinging became more and more something she tolerated for my sake. She came to hate the whole idea. While unseen, there was some psychological distance between her and my feelings on the issue. Once she saw this blog, she couldn’t un-see it.
So, we’re separating.
The pain is mixed with a weird peace. I don’t feel myself trying to fight it. She feels more certain about this decision than anything in a long while.
For a brief moment I regretted keeping this blog up. I haven’t added to it much in a while. If I had taken it down, we’d still be together. That brief moment passed and I realized that her idea of how I feel about things wasn’t accurate. Our marriage wasn’t sustainable having a part of myself from which she had to maintain psychological distance.
The part of me that she loved is still strong and thriving. The kind of love I have for her feels powerful, but it’s not the kind of love she needs.
So we’re separating.
Instead of changing the name of this blog, I think I’ll let it morph into tragic irony.
I had my cake. I ate it. Now it’s gone.