I’m drunk. I’m alone. I’m in a bar. I’m looking to get lucky. Oh, did I mention I’m married? Believe it or not, she doesn’t mind.

What is this crazy mixed-up world I live in? My wife and I have reached the “seven year itch.” She felt it first, but doesn’t feel it now. I do. I am on a trip out of town, and she is OK with “openness.” Sex with other people is A-OK. Woohoo!

It’s not as easy as it sounds. I’ve been in Pittsburgh for two days and haven’t hooked up yet. I’m not from here and don’t know where to go. I don’t even really know how to flirt. It can’t be all that hard. Don’t we have an instinct for that?

Anyway, I have a few days of openness. I’ve got to get me some. I’m looking for adventure. No guilt. No problems. It’s all sanctioned!

I’m looking at a beautiful woman also at this bar. She seems classy. She hasn’t acknowledged me even once — no look, no flirtation, nothing. I’m about to give up. It’s a bit sad. I really want to get some this week.

I have no experience at this. I’ve never picked someone up. In fact, I was a thirty-something year-old virgin when I got married. I’ve only been with one woman in my whole life! I want more. I want to be with many many women.

I love women. They are so wonderful, kind, tender, beautiful, sexy, attractive, soft, gentle, and sometimes wet. I just love women. With something so beautiful and lovely as a woman, who needs heroin?